My experience of an ego death came mid pandemic, perhaps it was somewhat induced by the lockdown, certainly not helped by it in any feat, but I wonder if my ego would have died regardless of a global pandemic. In March of 2020, a 3-year relationship ended, I graduated university and was flung into a state of uncertainty, all whilst locked away at my parents’ house, a three-hour train journey away from my London flat with £30 to my name. Looking back, this was the moment Broke Magazine was born, the idea was there, even if the its name wouldn’t come until earlier this month whilst pulling pints at my new-found bar job.
First let’s deconstruct the term, Ego refers to our sense of self identity, mediating between the conscious and unconscious, aside from being a personal favourite study of Freuds, it defines our sense of identity and self-worth. Ego deaths have been studied extensively, clinical psychoanalyst Daniel Merkur defining the experience as “an imageless experience in which there is no sense of personal identity.” Or in my opinion, more fittingly Jewish Kabbalists termed it “The kiss of death.”
It seems quite a euphoric notion, to experience a complete disconnect from one’s ego, the reality of the experience however is quite the opposite. Mine wasn’t a sudden death, it was gradual, I don’t remember the exact moment my ego collapsed in on itself, perhaps somewhere between a brutal end to the previously mentioned relationship and stream of rejection emails from graduate jobs only enhancing the dread of my last dwindling student loan payment and growing existential dread. It was during this period that I finally realised the life I had crafted in my mind no longer existed in the physical world, and any sense of self attached to this (which was quite literally everything at this point in my life), was no longer available to go back to, limbo.
It’s a common practice to undergo an ego death through the use of psychedelics, the idea of death and rebirth offering an profound spiritual experience, psychonauts undergoing the process multiple times in the aid of shedding all layers of our multifaceted ego, coined by many as the DMT experience. Explained by Canadian clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson, the of ego deaths variants differ, as does the individual’s experience.
“You can have a voluntary or involuntary ego death. A voluntary ego death is when you learn and are willing to let go, that would be your own immolation, it’s like you’re a phoenix and you’re lighting yourself on fire. That’s a much better idea even though it can be really harsh. The involuntary ego deaths, they are really hard on people, people will do almost anything to stop that from happening.”
The feeling is an odd one, intense but undeterminable, the closest comparison of words I can find for my experience, is an aching, longing for my former self, dread that I may never realign myself with a sense of identity, panic replacing any sense of security, and raging a inner narrative driving me to the edge of near insanity, all whilst trying to desperately convince myself that I was still the person I once believed myself to be. I think once again Jordan Petersons words can offer a far more descriptive insight into an involuntary ego death. “That ego death is a collapse into the underworld.”
In Ty Dolla $igns track ‘Ego Death’ featuring Kanye West, FKA Twigs and Skrillex, the lyrics “Ego death is where you find happiness”, “I let my ego down and then I rise back up”, “I let my ego down and then I’ll be stronger” highlights the benefits of an ego death, the positive enhancements it can have on a person’s spiritual alignment and overall psyche, however I will reiterate, this is not an experience I would have undergone willingly, knowing what I know now. I hate to break it to those reading who think this will be a fast process, but it is a year and a half later and I am still in the process of healing.
For those reading this, who I have either convinced, or provided a big red button saying ‘DO NOT PUSH’ to, that are contemplating a psychedelic path into exploring the ego, or deconstructing it completely, one thing I will say, the birth if you will, you can shape an entirely new sense of self. I am now more tolerant, positive, and grateful, traits I feel I lacked before my death, and certainly a lot less egotistical than I once caught myself being. Looking back, I no longer mourn the person I once was, to an extent, I am ashamed of her.